i went to my first 'support group' on friday night. i cried the entire time (it was two hours long) i really felt like i was just erupting.. just like, letting out everything i had been holding in while i'm
waiting for treatment to begin.
the group is based around God. and i think if i'm willing to take meds and talk to shrinks, why wouldn't i try something related to my religion. i want to be closer to God.. so this might be a good opportunity for me. the group was very nice.. everyone was extremely caring and genuine.. and in my experience.. OA/AA/NA all always seemed so like.. cold and distant. i dunno i just hope this all works out.
i just know i wanna get better so bad i can taste it. (kinda funny someone with an eating disorder would say it like that, huh?) but i'm getting desperate. i mean like.. the depression is getting worse daily. my poor boyfriend tries to make me feel desirable.. but it doesn't matter because i hate what i see. i'm
disgusted with myself.. it doesn't matter what others think of me.
tonight i made a nice healthy dinner. stuffed manicotti with ricotta + spinach.. salad + garlic bread with a big glass of milk. then of course i fucked it all up by making 2 1/2 dozen cookies. NICE.
oh blah blah blah. food is my love.. and my enemy.
she keeps calling.. but AFTER i bought her a pack of cigs (newports-6.55 per pack) so technically i would have only owed her ten dollars. BUT then she calls me trying to get this money still.. tellin me she doesn't have any food for her kids. so i GIVE her a package of chicken out of MY freezer, and some fries. and i've also given her about ten free rides. so i feel like we're even. but she calls me again today like 'i was just seein' if you had that money' like WTF.
the worst part is i like her, but even if i did try to tell her we were even, she would get pissy at me and probably be the way i see her be to other MFs. ugh i just hate how i work because i should have just said 'look i gave you food and rides and i really don't think i owe you anything.'
i am just tres annoyed.
hate the way i look. i hate myself in the mirror. i swore i wouldn't get over 200 lbs again, and guess what. here i am. i'm so disappointed in myself and i beat myself up every single time i binge. it's ridiculous because even when i was 150 lbs (and i'm 5'8") i still felt like i was disgusting, and overweight. and now i know that i'm not 'normal' because i've been bigger most of my life, and it seems like the only time i'm not big is when i'm focused on everything else, and not at home to binge. because i only feel my most comfortable binging at home.
food is like.. my life. it's funny because i
love to cook. i love the art of cuisine, and i love to try to make new things. i love the nourishment and satisfaction i provide people with when i make food for them. and it bothers me because food is my happiness, as well as how i deal with stress, sadness, anger.. and even celebration. i think about food constantly. when i eat sweets and carbs i feel happy.. but now i know that's only because they release seratonin into my body.. and because of years of depression (due to the eating disorder--or brought on by the eating disorder--sorta the chicken before the egg deal) my body doesn't seem to produce a lot on its own. it's scary thought because food to me is like alcohol to an alcoholic. i think about it constantly. whenever i have money.. i want to spend it on food. i wake up thinking about what i'm making for dinner.. i get excited when it's time to go grocery shopping.. i eat alone, hidden in the kitchen or i wake up in the middle of the night to sneak downstairs and get something to eat. i eat to the point of nausea.. and sometimes, if i get disgusted with myself enough, i eat to the point of purging.
small ray of hope though: i just got a referral to be seen at MSU kalamazoo center for medical studies.. and they're hopefully going to be able to treat me. i really feel like it's a difference between life and death. binge eating is like slow suicide.. if i don't fix it now.. i could die. i could get diabetes.. heart disease.. high blood pressure.. not to mention how bad.. awful it makes me feel.. my emotional well being is in a state of war.
one thing i can say is thank the Lord that i figured it out now. it took me
fifteen years to realize what the problem is. i always thought i just was a 'fat' person who liked food.. and it turns out i don't have to beat myself up and feel so responsible.. i have an actual condition.. and it's not just me. so hopefully i can fix this. because i wanna look good in a wedding dress.. and i want my kids to know and remember me as being happy and healthy and 'normal' (for what normal is worth)
so anyway.. i found some awesome communities to join that seem to offer a
pretty good support system.. i find that anything at this point will help. all i know is i can't wait for december 4th. and i pray for complete healing.
i'm still looking for a new journal layout. if anyone knows where i can look let me know!
ok so i'm on a hunt for a journal layout. anyone know where i can find any? soo if anyone knows where i can find one, please leave a comment! ♥
ok so. we tried to install our stereo equipment in our car tonight. it was a major fail. apparently we're missing a part that is crucial in completing the task sooo bummer no bumpy bumpy for me right now. it's all good though cuz we'll get it done hopefully tomorrow. i'm excited cuz i get paid tomorrow(tonight) so i can pay my bills.. lol @ me having no extra money but being perfectly content spending all my money on these damn bills. i guess i'm just proud of myself because a few years ago i'd have gone and spent it on some dumb shit + not had the money for the bills.. which i pay a lot right now.. rent, electric, gas, cable, phone, car note, car insurance, renter's insurance.. not to mention the cost of taking care of these kids.. babies are hella expensive between diapers and wipes and every freakin cute outfit i see along the way (wow that's a cute michigan cheerleader outfit.. dammit!)
have i mentioned.. i hate living in subsidized housing. i swear they treat you like freakin idiots.. you have to sign paperwork every time you take a shit. i mean, seriously we have to 'recertify' every year. which i guess is
soo in case anyone wants to give me any ideas.. i'm looking for ideas for a thanksgiving centerpiece. i'm
off to bed, to bed i said!
so i had some god-awful cramps this morning and my sister gave me some percocets. and they made me like.. high. i feel crazy right now. just for the record. i heard that when you have more babies, your periods get worse, cramps get worse and even some of the symptoms that you may have never had before all of a sudden show up [i.e. nausea.. crankiness--like i was a full on bitch this time] so.. how exciting, right?
so maintenance is at my house right now, attempting to fix my bedroom floor/living room ceiling.. the head guy is talking to me in jargon in which i do not really understand. talking about knots in the wood and the ceiling drooping because of it.. basically what should be said is 'we can't half-assed fix it any more, so we're going to actually do what we should have done years ago.' i know i pissed them off in the office because i called the city inspector. and just so it's understood, this is how the whole thing started/went down:
so one morning, we were doing what we normally did [i was cleaning up, malachi was playing and terrell was upstairs.] suddenly, i hear terrell yelling down to me, and at first i couldn't hear him, so i ran up to him.. to find my entire bathroom in a few inches of water. the toilet had overflowed, and as i was going downstairs to grab the mop and bucket, i look up to see water just dripping/pouring down at an alarming rate from my ceiling in my foyer, dining room and kitchen. so i started freaking out. i called the office, told them i needed maintenance to get here right away, that i had a bad bad leak.. she said she'd have someone there asap.
twenty minutes later, no one had shown up. [i was pregnant at the time too, so i had sort of a badass attitude.] so i walk out the front door to look around to see what the hell the maintenance dudes were doing. all of a sudden two of them roll up and start freakin mulching people's front yards. so i, impatiently walked up.. and asked them if they could please come fix my toilet, and stop my ceiling from leaking. they acted like they didn't even know it was happening. so the one dude comes into my apartment to 'look' at it. he goes outside and comes back in with a snake. snaked the toilet and <small>nothing</small> came out at all. they told me as for the ceiling, that i would just have to wait til the whole thing dried before they could repair it.
so a week goes by. and they came back. first they tried to <big>screw</big> the drywall back to the rest of the ceiling. [remember that cartoon good idea/bad idea? yeah..] that obviously worked so they 'had to call a professional' and i use the term 'professional' quite loosely. the guy came in a put a whole new piece of drywall up, went on his way.. and i thought that was the end of it.
a month later, i had my daughter. i had just gotten home from the hospital to find a note on my door. i open it up and it's regarding the repair made to my apartment. they claimed it was not 'normal wear and tear' and concluded that i should be responsible for the money. come to find out, they wanted to charge me $600.00 for the entire repair [any red flags pop up for anyone else?]
to make a long story short, i'm not stupid. i believe that they think because i live in subsidized housing, section 8 whatever.. that apparently i am not intelligent, and i do not know my rights. but quite to the contrary. i called the housing advocate of my county, i called HUD, i called the MSHDA and i called my city inspector. he came in and checked out my house and wrote down a bunch of stuff, and the next thing you know, i have a note on my door, telling me that they have to come in and make some repairs. so yeah, and i haven't received any word regarding the $600 bill.. and i better not.
SO. that's why they're fixin my shit. and that's how i roll.
anyway. this journal entry is long enough. i have to go get ♥malachi♥ off the bus here in about 20 minutes so i'm off to do that, and then it's naptime. so... bye!
hello lovies. 'tis i. just got done finding some new backgrounds for my lovely new journal. i'm gonna have it looking fab soon enough. so terrell is working third shift @ walmart now. and i'm super proud of him because he's worked very hard for us. although i really hope that he gets moved to first shift. it sucks getting up at six somethin now.. and i thought 7:30 was bad.
tomorrow the maintenance crew is coming in to fix the problems in regards to my apartment's crappy conditions. my bedroom floor (which is my living room ceiling) has a nice big softspot in the middle of my bedroom, so they're coming in to replace it. and they better not be charging me with the b.s. repair they made from my toilet overflowing. so they're fixing a bunch of the stuff in my apartment, cuz i called the city inspector and had him come look at my house, and he came to the very smart conclusion that riverside needs to fix some shit at my house. i think they're even gonna have to give me new bathroom floor, and maybe even a new bathtub.
we had a pretty nice halloween. we went to this nice little church thing. there was face painting, hayrides, games, and like 800 lbs. of candy. which is good because we attempted trick-or-treating.. and like, no one was at home to give out candy. halloween has turned into a depressing thing for the kids because they will never know the sheer joy of roaming the neighborhood, knocking on almost every door on the block, and staying out until 10, 11 o clock at night without even thinking twice.. i'm happy for my memories, but sad for my children's lack thereof.
thank goodness november isn't looking as busy as the past few months. granted, thanksgiving is around the corner.. and i'm so excited because my dad, sister, kelvin and the baby are coming to my house for the big dinner. which tickles the hell out of me. i love to have people over. i love to cook, and decorate and bake and just create a lovely, homey atmosphere that will make everyone comfortable. and i'm the most excited that i get to make whatever i want! it's completely my menu, and no one can say they don't want me to make something. that's like locking an alcoholic in a liquor store and tellin 'em to go bananas!
well, i'm off to bed.. g'nite my lovely little journal