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11 November 2009 @ 10:53 pm

ok so.

i try very hard to not be judgemental of people. however i'm trying to find communities to join and make friends, and i keep on coming across communities that are PRO eating disorder. like.. presuming that these girls in these communities are still sick.. and their minds are still fucked up. but oh my Lord it makes me sad + angry. i want to be healthy.. not skinny. i want to know that i have control over what i eat and how often i eat. it just makes me so sad to see that some girls are all about having ED.

it's funny though. you don't see any PRO binge eating/compulsive overeating communities. probably because people like that (like me) think of food as our best friend and our worst enemy. i HATE food. but i know i have to have it to live. and i won't fast. and i won't count calories and freak out over eight M&Ms. it's like.. try eating a dozen donuts and a whole pizza and then cry to me about feeling disgusting. like i said.. normally i don't judge but this is MY journal and i feel like i need to rant. seeing those sites only make me feel worse about myself and therefore is a trigger to me.

i didn't do badly today. i ate three meals.. and although i did eat like eight handfuls of cereal (but it was shredded wheat) and had another piece of pie.. i also haven't binged like i can binge. i've been drinking way more pop than i should.. and not enough water. i just need this support system because when i feel supported, i feel better.

also.. i have a pressing question. i feel as though i should be accountable to someone. and a lot of the people i've talked to have said they did that much better with a sponsor. so maybe i can find an LJ person to make myself accountable to.. so if any of my new-found friends would be interested, and are in a good place with their own recovery.. message me if you would want to be my sponsor.

my doctor told me not to count calories, so i know i can't do that. the only thing i can do is try to be accountable for what i do eat.. and to try and fight through my binge-cravings. and it's SO ungodly hard. i have NO power against an inanimate objest. and that makes me feel so small. and so weak.

however my outlook is positive. i think i'm going to go do some on-demand exercise for about a half hour or so. i always feel SO good after i've exercised.

p.s. medicaid should totally pay for people with BED/CED to go to the gym. in the winter it's so hard to motivate myself to go out and walk. it'd be so nice to go to the local gym and walk around their track or ride the bikes or swim or SIT IN THE SAUNA FOR HOURS (but that's my anorexic mindset talking.. i won't do that for real.)

so to my new LJ friends.. please comment if you have any suggestions for this ED stuff.. any ideas for healing, for controlling the eating.. anything. thank you in advance and <3

Current Mood: irritatedirritated
dirty angelrotting_angel on November 12th, 2009 03:32 pm (UTC)
See. I have a total love hate relationship with food. I hate that I love it so much. I'm obsessed. I think about food 90% of the time. What I'm going to eat next time I eat, what I'm going to cook for my family, ect ect, alllll the time.
I was 360 pounds at my largest. I have since had a gastric bypass, which has -forced- me to stop some of my compulsive eating habits. But hasn't curbed the mental aspect of it at all. And I still...eat, all day. Just not as much. Because I -can't-. I am really greatful they qualified me for the surgery because I'd never have been near a healthy weight. And now that I'm older and better understand my unhealthy eating habits and practices and thoughts, I can do better to try to treat them differently, and I know not to pass them on to my child. Hopefully anyways.
I've found that a good way to keep from eating,is to eat ice. I'm addicted to eating ice. I don't recommend chewing it, as it's bad for your teeth but boy do I love the crunchiness. But I feel better about eating ice then I do anything else (Outside of normal meals of course.) And it keeps me better hydrated. You could also try chewing gum or something too so that your mouth is occupied during more of the day so you don't want to drink as much pop.
It sounds like you did good this day though. It's ok to snack. Binging is FAR from snacking and... I can eat everything in the kitchen if given the chance (I hate days where I'm stuck in the house for this reason.)
Your so positive it's inspiring. I think if no one is in a good place to be a sponsor sort of person (I don't think I'm in the healthiest place for such as I get a little....obsessed/crazy over losing weight/keeping it off, when I'm not pregnant and go a little too far the other way when I -am- pregnant to offer.) But maybe leaving an entry about what you ate or didn't eat day to day would help you, because someone KNOWS then, and I will be reading for sure. :)

In my state at least, the state medical programs, will pay a portion of your enrollment fee for a gym. Or the gym it's self will give you a Medica or Ucare discount of a certain percent. If you really are interested you should look into seeing if your state has something like that. And sitting in the sauna for a few hours done safely isn't necessarily an anorexic thought/idea. My boyfriend is pretty into fitness in a very healthy manor (He's into martial arts and grappling and MMA and things like that. I tell him he should be a personal trainer or open a gym or something and train fighters. He's a lil too out of shape to fight himself or anything anymore.) and he is native american and he firmly believes in the benefits of sweating it out for some amount of time. I donno what is safe and smart though. But I know well hydrated a person can sweat for more then an hour. Like the native american sweat lodges. They chill in those things for like...days sometimes.

And I just wanted to let you know I really enjoy reading your entries already. Your a really cool girl and I love the way you write. (I'm a fan of words, they're my favorite thing in the whole world I think.)
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krissi;fashi0nistuh on November 12th, 2009 10:21 pm (UTC)
lol.. thanks for the advice! i'm gonna check it out! :)
Asttarte - Jennyniseema on November 12th, 2009 11:30 pm (UTC)
I am here
You are sooo sweet! I'd be happy to be accountable for you. I have stopped 12 years ago and I think I may be able to be there for you, but I just want to be honest that I am also busy and not always on here (I haven't been in several months and I just started writing again). And, I am also on a healing journey and when I am dealing with my stuff, sometimes I am not the best at being there for others, but I do try and am committed to being there for others in the end. It is my passion and ultimately my goal! See landmarkeducation.com. I'm becoming a Leader through them and I know I am on my way! :-)
krissi;fashi0nistuh on November 13th, 2009 12:20 am (UTC)
Re: I am here
that's really cool. i can honestly say that i am just so thankful that LJ is what connected me to all you girls and i don't quite feel so alone anymore.. in fact.. i might go so far as to say that i don't feel like a freak. i actually feel a little bit more normal.. <3