Log in

27 November 2009 @ 12:11 am
oh.. and one more thing i forgot.

terrell was talking to his aunt today to wish her a happy thanksgiving. and he told her we were getting married. i almost peed it made me SO incredibly happy.

i love him so dearly.. i feel like he was made by God just for me. he is truly my life partner, and if soul mates really do exist.. i've found mine.

i love him, i love him, i love him.

thank you God for sending him my way.
21 November 2009 @ 02:25 am
now it's time.. to say goodbye..
to all these wandering eyes..
this journal now is ;friends only;
it isn't a surprise..

i've left some teasers.. but it's time to switch over.
it's starting to get kinda serious in here..
comment to be added. <3

(credit to whoever did this banner.. i don't know who did but i <3 it and if you come across my page, please comment so i can give you proper credit.)

Current Mood: creativecreative
Current Music: 'sick n tired' usher feat. rick ross
18 November 2009 @ 08:50 pm
so tonight terrell and i are gonna drink a little. it's his night off so we're just gonna chill together (cuz at night i miss him so bad) and i am just loving it. especially when he gets all cuddly with me + kisses my forehead.. i just feel very loved by him right now. and maybe he's become a bit more sensitive, now that he's seeing that the ED is more serious than we all initially thought.. but whatever it is, i thank God for his love and affection.

one thing i will say is that i am ready to be married. i am 26 years old, with two children. i am ready for him to ask me to be his wife. i told him we could do our own wedding and it wouldn't cost all that much. maybe a few hundred (not include dress+tux, etc) or we could even get married at the courthouse (outside of it is very pretty + there is a gazebo and such) or something just to keep it simple. i always wanted a big fabulous wedding but i'm being realistic now, and i don't have parents to pay for a wedding, so i just need to do what i can. and that's okay with me.

in february we are moving out of our apartment. our lease runs up.. and i hate it here so i gotta go. it's like these people tell you when you can and can't wipe your own ass. my neighbor is a stupid psycho bitch who likes to peek out her miniblinds and then come outside like 'can you guys please tell the people walking by to be quiet?' like wtf do i look like, the guardian of Riverside?? like seriously she is lame as hell and she's part of the reason i want out of here. the other part is just the ghetto-ness and that people have no respect + don't know how to act. ugh so we're starting to look for houses. hope all goes well.

anyway.. not a whole whole lot to say tonight. i'm gonna go get tipsy with my baby and maybe go to bed early tonight (early bedtime means no bingeing!!) sooooo goodnight my lj friends <3

me + my bay

Current Mood: contentcontent
Current Music: 'i wanna know who u r' will.i.am + usher
17 November 2009 @ 11:02 pm
survey WOOCollapse )
Current Mood: blahblah
15 November 2009 @ 05:19 am
it's late as hell. i shouldn't even be up right now. but i am fuming and usually getting it all down makes me feel better. i can't even believe tonight went down like it did. everything seemed pretty normal. my friend was in my apartment complex.. and like, she was out there and i was awake.. so i was chatting with her outside and then some dude comes up to this chick like 'come here ****' and grabbed her by the back of her neck. so of course, people were like 'what the hell are you doing' etc, etc. well my friend is a pretty outspoken girl, and really, she has the right to say that. i'm not saying she wasn't saying anything bogus.. but i am saying that at no time, doesn't justify, putting your hands on her, and then proceeding to pull his belt out, struck her 4 or 5 good times. did enough damage to have left multiple welts on her back, in addition to cuts and blood on her knuckles. so like.. why is it that people would be rude + talk shit because she called the police? like.. wouldn't you call the police if someone did that to your daughter? yeah, probably.

but no.. people are being all patronizing.. people are talking shit. and i am pissed. i can't believe, first of all, that no one would have ran up and tried to stop him. i mean, eventually, someone did stop him.. but it took as long as it took him to get about four good licks on her.. and i was trying to help her into my apartment while he was doing that to her. hell, i was scared to shut the screen door cuz i thought he could have maybe hit me. NOT cool.

dude deserves no respect and he deserves to go to jail. PERIOD.

i'm exhausted. i will write more later.
Current Mood: infuriatedinfuriated
13 November 2009 @ 11:42 am

ok so.

i have more bills than i do money right now. and i am absolutely stressed. i have to borrow from my dad to pay my gas + electric.. and i have to pay car insurance, renter's insurance, my car note, rent and cable along with that. plus daddy has to pay his probation crap + he still owes quite a nice chunk of money. it's so stressful. i mean, i am like uber stressed. like, needing a klonopin stressed.

although on a lighter note.. i just called the YMCA in portage (which is very close to where i'm going to go for my ED treatment) and it sounds like they might be able to help me.. and just praise God if they can.. i really think exercise is the key because even if i do binge.. i need to keep my heart healthy and my body needs to stay in a good condition, plus i really think i can sometimes burn off the calories from my binges.. maybe that's my sickness talking.. but to be able to go on the treadmill, and the bikes, and to be able to walk/jog again.. and even, dare i say it, sit in the sauna or swim.. these are things that can help me a great deal.. and especially because people at the Y don't get turned away if they can't afford $40/month which i'm sorry but right now.. i can not afford that.

it sucks not having money. eating junk is cheaper than eating healthy. most places that specialize in ED don't accept medicaid. people who can't afford a gym membership can't work out. a 24 pack of pop goes on sale.. but a 24 pack of water hardly ever is discounted. if i would have had money, i would already be in treatment.. and it just frustrated me. UGH!

today i have to go grovel at my dad's feet for money to help me with my bills. and i hate doing that. but i'd rather owe my father, than have to worry about getting stuff shut off. which i would like to add.. that this is my first year living on my own. and i have not gotten anything shut off. so clearly i am doing my thing. but i don't wanna lose momentum.. so that's why even though i hate the idea of it.. i gotta borrow from my dad. and just ugh to that.

i think tonight i will roast a chicken. with brussel sprouts and some rice or potatoes. not really a friday night kinda dinner. but i think it sounds incredible.

so.. have a good day my beautiful LJ homegirls


Current Mood: stressedstressed
Current Music: chris brown feat. lil wayne 'i can transform you'
12 November 2009 @ 12:54 am
well i'm disgusting. as soon as i got up (i was hungry because i didn't eat much for dinner) to get some spaghetti-os.. i got that craving for something sweet. (which happens after every meal for me.. including breakfast) so i just ate about a cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips and the rest of about 1/4 of a bag of almonds. so i feel positively mortified.

i hate myself
i hate myself
i hate myself.
Current Mood: crushedcrushed
11 November 2009 @ 11:40 pm

oh, and highly off-subject. i've decided if i have another child, no matter a girl or boy.. i'm going to name him/her Messiah. isn't that just beautiful? i think so. <3
11 November 2009 @ 10:53 pm

ok so.

i try very hard to not be judgemental of people. however i'm trying to find communities to join and make friends, and i keep on coming across communities that are PRO eating disorder. like.. presuming that these girls in these communities are still sick.. and their minds are still fucked up. but oh my Lord it makes me sad + angry. i want to be healthy.. not skinny. i want to know that i have control over what i eat and how often i eat. it just makes me so sad to see that some girls are all about having ED.

it's funny though. you don't see any PRO binge eating/compulsive overeating communities. probably because people like that (like me) think of food as our best friend and our worst enemy. i HATE food. but i know i have to have it to live. and i won't fast. and i won't count calories and freak out over eight M&Ms. it's like.. try eating a dozen donuts and a whole pizza and then cry to me about feeling disgusting. like i said.. normally i don't judge but this is MY journal and i feel like i need to rant. seeing those sites only make me feel worse about myself and therefore is a trigger to me.

i didn't do badly today. i ate three meals.. and although i did eat like eight handfuls of cereal (but it was shredded wheat) and had another piece of pie.. i also haven't binged like i can binge. i've been drinking way more pop than i should.. and not enough water. i just need this support system because when i feel supported, i feel better.

also.. i have a pressing question. i feel as though i should be accountable to someone. and a lot of the people i've talked to have said they did that much better with a sponsor. so maybe i can find an LJ person to make myself accountable to.. so if any of my new-found friends would be interested, and are in a good place with their own recovery.. message me if you would want to be my sponsor.

my doctor told me not to count calories, so i know i can't do that. the only thing i can do is try to be accountable for what i do eat.. and to try and fight through my binge-cravings. and it's SO ungodly hard. i have NO power against an inanimate objest. and that makes me feel so small. and so weak.

however my outlook is positive. i think i'm going to go do some on-demand exercise for about a half hour or so. i always feel SO good after i've exercised.

p.s. medicaid should totally pay for people with BED/CED to go to the gym. in the winter it's so hard to motivate myself to go out and walk. it'd be so nice to go to the local gym and walk around their track or ride the bikes or swim or SIT IN THE SAUNA FOR HOURS (but that's my anorexic mindset talking.. i won't do that for real.)

so to my new LJ friends.. please comment if you have any suggestions for this ED stuff.. any ideas for healing, for controlling the eating.. anything. thank you in advance and <3

Current Mood: irritatedirritated
11 November 2009 @ 10:06 pm
If you could only listen to one CD for the rest of your life, what would you choose and why?

if i had to choose only one cd.. even though i'm pretty partial to good hip hop.. i love the cd 'pieces of you' by jewel. i could listen to that cd over and over again and absolutely never grow tired. i love the raw emotion and her unapologetic expression, even if it was a little shocking. <3
Current Mood: creativecreative